March 5th 2019, I accepted Jesus into my heart. I could never have imagined then what that would end up meaning and becoming.
18 months old now, everything has changed.
I now live my life for Jesus and my Papa God.
I could lie and say it was easy.
I could cover the messy and the brokenness and the shame and I could say I never struggled with accepting His forgiveness.
And that I never wavered, not even for an instant, standing His grace.
I could tell you that I had no issue believing His blood was shed for me. And that He thought I was perfect.
I could pretend that I knew the very moment I said yes, I became worthy. And deserving.
I could tell you I believed the instant I let Him in, that I became His daughter.
I could say all of those things.
But the truth is………. it was WAR.
It was a painful undoing, an aching unraveling, an excruciating unbecoming.
The surrender brought me to my knees.
I had never experienced such utter weakness, such desperate vulnerability.
All I was and all I could never be was defenselessly exposed……
Most days, I could barely lift my head. I was so filled with shame.
How could I ever be enough?
But then…… God.
Papa God just meets where you are and He holds you.
In your mess.
In all your despair.
He shows you all of your beauty and surrounds you with all of His grace.
And then, He just saves you.
And Oh, how He saved me.
I have learned since, there is nothing I could ever do…… no way to ever earn it………no striving needed.
I have learned that He loves me completely, endlessly, and that I am His and He is mine.
And to Jesus and my God, I owe my very life and my every single breath. I owe everything.
Thank you Papa for waiting for me.
I am so excited to learn all I can about His story!!