Welcome to RZIM Connect! Thank you so much for engaging with this and for sharing such a personal and profound question. It is an honour to us that you would share this with us.
You know, I hope, that you are not alone in wrestling with these issues. It has been a significant part of my own story, too.
I’d want to assure you of a couple of things. The first is that this sexual sin is actually not the worst thing about you. One of the things we see in Romans 1 is that the distortions in our sexuality stem from the deeper distortion in our hearts that cause us to turn from God and to worship idols. In her own story of coming to Christ from a lesbian (recounted in her book "The Secret Thoughts Of An Unlikely Convert) Rosaria Butterfield talks about how she came to realise that she didn’t need to repent of being a lesbian, she needed to repent of being an unbeliever. That is the real issue in every single one of us. Our distorted desires all flow from that fallen nature. So it is not your sexual feelings that have made you a sinner, it is the fact that (along with all who come from Adam) you were born a sinner.
The good news of that is that, having come to Christ, what is most fundamentally wrong with you (unbelief) has already been dealt with. You now have a new nature. You now worship God, and have turned from idols. The sinful nature remains, but it is no longer what is most fundamental to who you are. You are new in Christ (see Gal 2:20).
This also means that what you have described about being corrupted to your inner being is something that certainly was true of you –– and of everyone else. It is akin to what David confessed about himself in Psalm 51. But it is no longer true. Your inner being, and who you are, has now been made new by Jesus. Your heart has changed. So you may continue experience ongoing deep desires, but that is not to say you haven’t changed in a fundamental way. There has not just been a change in you; there has been a change of you.
You also need to know just how deep and distorting heterosexual sin can be. A dear Christian friend confessed to me just last week that, even though he has been a christian for decades, he still feels himself sexualising women that he meets. Many others have confessed similar things to me. That is the nature of sin, it is deeply pervasive and internal. You are not alone in experiencing this. Not everything about homosexuality is the same as heterosexuality, but you need to see that your sin is not unique. Each of us has a deeply distorted heart and affections. Each of us needs new birth in Christ. And when it comes, each of us continues to wrestle with sinful inclinations.
I hope that helps –– feel free to write back.