Hoo boy, can I relate to your dilemma. The Lord took me through various opportunities to learn and thrive - only to require me to leave each of them for His purpose. It was challenging to navigate, but I’m so so thankful for both the yeses and the [many] no’s in my life! Of course every story has multiple outcomes, and I’m certainly not commenting to sway you in any direction. I’m hopeful I can be of support and encouragement to you as you seek our Master’s will and purpose in your life beginning and continuing with this “crossroad”.
I apologize for the breadth of my reply; I sense it beneficial to provide some context with my own story. If you’d like to just get to the point, feel free to scroll to the bottom.
I was a TV Host and journalist and at one time, I loved my work so much that I almost put it above anything else. The Lord used it to teach and develop skills in me, but then through a series of discipline (to correct my priorities) He directed me to leave it. I obeyed and He blessed!
Following that, I worked in Public Relations and became the Executive Director for a local non profit. The Lord had me to serve this term for almost exactly 1 year and then again it was His will for me to end. In that year I had an exciting opportunity to be introduced to a prominent congressman by someone he well respected, to be the PR Manager for his upcoming campaign. I marveled at the opportunities that would bring me, but in prayer I knew the Lord was telling me to pass and trust Him that He had something better. So I did.
Right before exiting the above, I was blessed with an opportunity to build a business online to help entrepreneurs create video marketing plans. It was perfect as I could work from home and was able to support my husband and give our children the attention they needed.
The business ( I had for 4 years) were going VERY well. I had connected the dots in my head that the Lord was going to bless my business and then use it to support the ministry I knew the Lord had for us. I had dedicated my business to Him, and sought Him at every juncture - from little to big decisions.
In 2018 I completed an exciting 3 day shoot with a new crew I hired, and I had significant leaders in the burgeoning entrepreneurial scene in my city on board to bring me clients for in-person video coaching and done-for-you video marketing. Finally I was going to reap the reward of my labor! Then in just 2 days, I developed a bad feeling.
Taking it to the Lord I felt as if yet again, He was telling me to go no further. I was crushed! Why would He bring me this far again, only to want me to stop again? When will I be able to finally complete all of the work I’ve been doing for a decade and taste the fruit of my sowing?
I felt as if all my work was reduced to rubble and I was sifting through the piles.
However, our Lord, always faithful, didn’t let me remain dejected. He affirmed and confirmed that the ministry that I was waiting to start (thinking after I get my business successful) was ready to begin the planning stages.
My Challenge with Being Open with my Faith
The most difficult part of transitioning into ministry for me was going public and telling all of my intellectual friends. I had been operating under what you call: “a subtly hidden agenda.”
I can’t say that working that way did much for my or anyone’s faith. While it did “keep the peace” often, it came off as condoning and kept me silent, internally wrestling to respond but I was afraid. For you it may be quite different, but for me - I said it was to work from within but I knew it was really because I was afraid and I didn’t want to seem foolish to the communities I was in.
God has a way of getting us through and growing us up in this area - He may have us there for a time but it will not last! It is very difficult to influence without becoming influenced and He has purpose and plans for His people that are so far past our meager plans for ourselves!
That was almost exactly a year ago and while I’d love to tell you that I’m a highly successful Director of a million-dollar grossing film, I’m still in the early stages of developing it. That’s exactly where God wants me to be and I love it. That took time.
Also, the Lord has since placed people in my life that have been arrested, beaten and persecuted for following of Jesus and I have been convicted of my cowardliness.
Through this, I’ve grown more comfortable with being the one in the room who is different - not by my own merit nor charisma or worldly success, but because I’m an ambassador of Christ - and everyone desperately needs Him!
There’s no peace like the peace I have moving onward, openly. His clarity in His will is my unshakable confidence. The greater the project becomes, the more the Lord reminds me that only He can do it and I boast in my inability to do it on my own. I used to worry how this project would unfold, but I was reminded: Isn’t that what we’re asking for when we say “thy will be done?”
To many, I’m sure I look indecisive. I know my old business contacts look at my plight and think, “what a shame - she was going so far.” I used to worry about that, now I say “let them marvel!” It’s a work in progress.
I’m hopeful that somewhere in my story you might relate to the conundrums I had. The fact that you bring up your fear of the Lord right after you state that you’ve been prepared for this may reveal an area you want to take to the Lord.
Lastly I encourage you that while the adversary loves to make us think we must decide immediately, the Lord’s timing is always perfect for His obeying children!
Questions for You:
I don’t claim to know your situation entirely nor where the Lord is leading you. However I invite you that as you continue to seek the Lord and His plan for you, consider:
1] Is this the Lord’s path for you? (If it isn’t I promise you He has a better path!)“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
2] Either way, why do you need to be subtle? Perhaps there are legitimate reasons you must be neutral, that’s understandable. Yet we also know it’s important to seek to please the one and only Lord of our lives, Who is worthy of everything we have and everything we are. We have to give an account so we want to be sure.
3] You state you’ve been prepared all your life for this. May you expand upon what “this” is?
4] You state also that you’re “ready for it”. Is this position what you’re ready for? If not, what is it exactly that you’re ready for?