I hope this is the right place to ask this.
I’ve recently begun to doubt that God exists. The doubts have grown so strong I honestly don’t know what I believe anymore. I don’t know if God exists and it terrifies me more than anything.
It feels as though someone I love has died except the mourning doesn’t stop because without God there is no hope. I can’t live in a world without God; the absurdity of life without God fills me with existential dread like nothing I’ve ever experienced. This fear is with me all the time and has just been getting worse. Often it gets so bad I can barely function in my day to day life. I can’t sleep for more than a few hours before waking up in a panic begging God to reveal Himself and to be real.
It’s not just that I feel He isn’t there, I’m not even sure if I believe He is there.
I have been seeking Him and looking for Him everywhere but can’t find Him anywhere. I don’t feel His presence or hear His voice. The world just feels so empty. Like I look out at the world and expect to see God but can’t find Him anywhere. The world just seems so godless.
I haven’t stopped serving in my church or abandoned practicing my faith. If I’m going to survive this it’s going to be with God. I have no interest in a life without Him.
I’ve gone through so much apologetic material but it doesn’t seem to help. I don’t know what to believe. I’m desperate for some kind of help.
How do I handle this? Is there some way I can regain/strengthen my faith?
I hope that makes sense. Sorry to ask such a personal question. I would appreciate any answer anyone can provide.