Hi @RebeccaN ! Thank you for being so truthful about your problem. I truly do feel your frustration. A friend asked me a similiar question about sociopaths before as well, it’s not easy trying to get through people and I’ve realized that people are pretty difficult in our own ways (including narcissists).
I’ll talk based on personal experience. When I was younger, I had many narcissistic tendencies, it was pretty bad. I was very selfish and prideful, immature as well. I would have fun on people’s expense and rarely felt any remorse at all. Nothing really changed until bad decisions in life hit me, relationally, emotionally and mentally.
It was then where I felt the world genuinely being out of control, I couldn’t rely on myself anymore. I wasn’t God. I tried to grip onto something for control and ended up gripping onto God. I went through and still go through many difficult times. I became depressed and had so much anxiety.
To a lot of people it seemed as of I had changed an became weaker and more sensetive but truthfully, I realised that I always had been depressed, living my life away from God. To cope with it, over my childhood years I became a narcissist. It was a self protecting mechanism.
Of course, I’ve only realised this now while looking back.
I kept asking God why it had to happen to me, why my life turned out like that. I didn’t like it at all. Over the years, because of this, I became a lot softer, a lot more loving and understanding towards those around me. I then realised that my breakdown was God’s way of softening up my heart and to bring me back to him. I cpuldn’t be the God of my own life anymore and had to rely on him.
I guess I’ll summarize it here. Truthfully, humans can only do so much. As we continue to pray for Mara, we would also need to remember that at the end of the day, it’s not our job to change people but God’s. God is in control and has his timing for things, even if it’s not on your schedule or even if things look uncertain, you can trust that God has a purpose for this as well. (Just as I’ve explained in my story).
We can’t change the hearts of people but faith and prayer definitely moves the hand of God. Even until now, some narcissistic tendencies still pop up, years of painful santification and is still ongoing. It really takes time and patience, however, don’t carry the burdern on your own. It’s for God to carry. God knew my heart and my vunerability, we can trust he knows hers and yours as well.
All the best!