I hope I am posting in the right place!
Without going heavily into my “story” let me just sum things up by saying that living in other cultures than my own, living with an emotionally abusive husband and father to my children and suffering severe depression and agorophobia for about 20 years, I was pretty traumatized once I “escaped” my situation. Now, about 10 years later, I am still praying for my “christian” husband who made good on his promise to divorce me and get another woman if I ever left and “took HIS money”. I did leave, maybe 7 times, and finally once I got my children “safe” I left for good.
About 10 years have past and the Lord in his AMAZING goodness has cared for me and my children more that I could ever even articulate. My Lord is my treasure and delight. However, my daughters and myself still really struggle with a “self destructive” attitude, which other Godly people have brought to my attention. In seeking the Lord I still wonder if there is more I could do to redeem this thought pattern, which I am certain is not righteous. I am wondering if anyone at this forum might have some suggestions.
Basically the question is this: If one has suffered the dismantling of their person hood, shaming, rejection, and known mental illness and fear to be a constant companion, then experienced healing through God’s great kindness,why do they still carry a terror in the back of their mind that says “just wait, another horror is just around the corner, because life is too hard?”
I am not sure that I am making any sense. I view myself as someone who really believes that God ( and only God) is good. And He is my best friend. But getting out of bed in the morning, dealing with people who are “whole” is so hard. I can deal with the broken very well (hence why I am an advocate) because I have “been there”. But I seem to be just waiting on death, hoping I can get out of this world, while at the same time, Loving to serve the Lord and longing to do His will.
People I know that care about me feel that I am a real “downer” I think. And, unfortunately, I do view this world as a battleground, not as Disneyland! I guess I wish that my faith were stronger in that I felt that there was hope. I feel no hope in my heart. I seem to have faith in my Beloved, but no hope. It is strange. Any advice?