Hi @Seeker, thanks for being brave to share this roadblock that you have. I do have to admit, that it is a difficult one, and that sometimes it is hard to see God in our situations. Though If you don’t mind, I would like to share a little, hopefully it will be of help to you.
Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles[a] from Jerusalem. They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognising him. He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?” They stood still, their faces downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?” “What things?” he asked.
“About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. he chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.”
He said to them, “How foolish you are, and how slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?” And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself. (Luke 24:13-27)
I think this is a very interesting portion of the scripture because despite resurrecting, Jesus did not reveal His identify to them. Instead “he explained to them what was said in the scriptures concerning Himself”. The one key way to know the person of Jesus is to dive into the Word to know more Him. At the core of it, it is scripture, but the process of diving into the Word is subjective to the individual (e.g. reading the bible, listening to a sermon, worshipping with a song), all of them points to the one person - Jesus.
Furthermore, it is crucial to note that God likes to work through people for people, just like in the bible. Getting involved in the community of your church (either by serving, attending church, or visiting a cell group) will all help to reveal an aspect of God as well. After all, Jesus did promise that when 2 or 3 are gathered in His name, He is there.
Though granted you may never ever feel a real tangible hug from God directly when you need one, that doesn’t mean that He cannot send someone to be there for you, and to give you that much needed hug as well. God’s ability to speak to us, is greater than our inability to hear Him.
Lastly, I would like to encourage you that since it is a relationship, and you are supposedly the “bride” and Christ the “groom”, then let Him settle it for you. Rather than you feeling that you need to change and match up to how God wishes to have the relationship with you, why not just let it be and let Him handle how He wishes to. Your role is just to stay patiently waiting (e.g. be planted in a church, be rooted with godly counsel) and you may be surprised how it may turn out.
Just know that not everything has to be spiritual (e.g. God gave me a vision to talk to this person), because it may already be a manifestation in reality (e.g. a friend asked me out to visit his / her cell group).
If it is not too much of a trouble, do share with us in the following weeks how it goes. If it comes through for you, praise the Lord! If it doesn’t, know that we are still here to support you in whatever way we can.