This is going to be long I can sense it so you have been warned.
It this you will find a struggle between good and evil.
A path of self-destruction and a small glimmer of hope and surrender to the Lord.
It this you will find many questions and concerns about my spiritual journey or as is the mostly the case the lack of a spiritual journey.
A journey of rebellion and self-destruction.
Where I feel I do not deserve God’s grace or forgiveness because I struggle within myself to forgive myself.
The mind is an amazing thing but also a scary thing as well.
This shows my mind struggling and being overwhelmed witha very real and more times than not a painful struggle to walk or at times to crawl battered and bleeding with the Lord.
The sad part is it is my own doing. I know I should put on the full armor of God. To be a warrior to do battle and through Christ to be victorious.
So why then do I keep going into the battlefield naked and alone?
Why do I leave my armor behind?
Am I hell bend on destruction?
This post is under Christian Growth feels like it should be under, man’s destruction on one’s self.
I look at this post as the rantings of an old tired individual who has struggled in hardship for most of his 69 years upon this earth.
My hope is in these ramblings you will see me buried and wanting to live for Christ but so battered and bruised, naked and afraid struggling to find meaning and purpose.
I have allowed myself to abandon all hope of meaning and purpose in my life.
So very tired, so very exhausted.
I have shared a crack into my life with a fragment of my testimonial.
How over the last 20 years I lost who I was with caring for a wife who has major mental health issues.
The reality I am finding is that I allowed my dreams and passion for life to be destroyed in my childhood. I can relate to the movie ‘I can only believe’ my Dad truly was a monster who I am sure was raised by a monster. He systematically crushed or beat out of me any and all dreams I had for my life.
So why am I writing this post what caused me to be once more vulnerable and reveal my daily struggles,
I started a devotional yesterday around Passion and Purpose.
To see if I can maybe find my passion and purpose.
It asks if you are excited about your life or do you feel as if you are merely existing, drifting along from day to day without any sense of purpose or direction?
The later is very much how I feel. I cannot remember the last time I was excited about my life.
I have become complacent and not content but resined to my circumstance which is a frightening place to be.
God has placed more within you than you realize. OK, so how do you realize what God has placed within you?
At times I see myself in Romans 7:19 where Paul wrote: ‘For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.’
I find it so easy to destroy myself in sin than to walk in obedience to the Lord.
Why, when I know somewhere deep down life is so much more fulfilling and meaningful walking with the Lord.
I so desperately want to see me as the Lord sees me not as I am but as I could be.
I cry out day and night to no avail.
Today’s devotional lesson is ‘A Clean Heart’ this subject line was the driving force for this post.
I look at my heart and it is anything but clean.
There was a time when I could clearly see the place where the Holy Spirit dwells within. How the place was clean and well kept. Then the Holy Spirit came to some locked doors and how I ever so slowly unlocked each door to allow him into more of my life.
Somewhere I am not sure when but he came to a door that I did not unlock a door in fact which I am sure I threw away the key. As I did not want anyone to open that door.
I sense that what was behind that door was my past my pain my anger my shame.
For some reason, I needed to cling to them even though the Lord had something far greater for me I would not, could not let go.
I was and in some ways still am, that frightened child that at 5 years old was in the hospital in a coma because of an angry father that almost succeeded in killing me. Looking now I am realizing he did kill me that day. He killed my passion and my dreams. I allowed that to happen.
This is the destruction that a father can do to their child that can last a lifetime.
When I turned my life over to the Lord. I was shown 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
For a time I was a new creation growing in faith and hope with the Lord.
Remember that locked door.
Well, it was after becoming a new creation that the Holy Spirit started to show me the mansion in my life and that one locked door.
I think what was behind that door was my life at age 5 when I lay in the hospital for 6 months in a coma. I was creating what was behind that door.
It is said the mind is a powerful part of us. I don’t think we realize just how powerful.
I refused to unlock the door and I sense that what was behind the door has taken over.
Some here may think poppycock what a bunch of rubbish. I sense it and feel powerless to stop it.
At one time I was pure in heart for a brief moment in time when I turned my life over to the Lord. Because I did see God in a vision as real as if I was wide awake.
Then rebellion entered in and I refused to bend my knee in prayer. At that exact moment, a friend was on a ferry to Vancouver Island. He took his own life by jumping overboard. To this day every time I think about it I feel strongly that if I had surrendered and prayed he would be alive today.
I have always had a desire to have my own business yet I sabotage myself every step of the way. I do not deserve to be successful.
Years ago In three separate events one in Airdrie, one in Calgary and one in Mexico. Individuals prophesied that the Lord had a mighty ministry.
That scared the life out of me because I knew to the core who I was or I had believed I knew who I was. I can relate to Moses when he said paraphrasing God you definitely have the wrong guy. I am rebellious and continually turn my back on the Lord.
So here I am over 30 years later crying out to the Lord use me but my words are bouncing off the ceiling never reaching the Lord. I wallow in sin clinging to it like a filthy dirty old blanket that once gave my comfort is now destroying my very being.
I look at my failing business. I struggle for a reason. Money does not mean anything to me at all, my father made sure of that one lesson.
I think I do not deserve to be successful and prosper.
I have touched a lot of people with my sharing my journey and my struggles and yet even that I don’t deserve.
I can relate to the ship in the storm being tossed to and fro with no calm waters.
I am drowning and don’t seem to care and yet at the same time, I think I do care or I would not have posted this.
As I stated at the beginning this was long and like the ship, my thoughts are tossed around.
I am overwhelmed and struggling.
I cry out to the Lord and then run back to my sinful ways.
There may be some growth here but as the parable of the seeds.
My seeds are dying. I feel like Satan has won and I am no more.
That the Lord has abandoned me to my sinful nature.