Hi friends! Thank you so much for reading this and as you do, I hope and pray God blesses each and every one of you. I’m from Argentina and I’m 29.
I will try to make this as brief as I can, and I’m sorry if I make mistakes, I learned English by myself because I like it and most of the music I listen to is in English, so I hope you can understand everything I write and you’re welcome to correct me if I make mistakes, I want to learn more, thank you!
I was born in a Christian family, they taught me to be good, but when I was a kid I got bored very easily, so I had fun running and jumping around, breaking things and doing bad stuff, I was misbehaving but I didn’t understand it. As I grew up, I developed a conscience and I realized what I was doing was bad. At 13 I had an encounter with Jesus when I was at a summer camp, they were singing, and a person came to me and said “Why won’t you lift your hands?” I said “I don’t know, we don’t do that in my church…” And he lifted my hands for me… I can remember to this day very vividly how amazing and peaceful it felt, surrender myself to God. I was baptized at 14 and after a few years I started to play drums in our church. I was doing well until my twenties. It was time to start dealing with some things I was carrying for a long time. I remember one day at church, we were seeing a video about sexual health, and it started to talk about abused persons, and listing all the problems or issues that abused persons could develop, and I remember reading that list, item by item, and I felt like it was describing me. Depression, trust issues, low self-esteem, and addiction to pornography…
I was abused by a neighbor when I was 4 or 5.
I started to question God, why He let that happen to me and all the consequences it brought to my life. I was angry, because I knew pornography was destroying my life but I couldn’t stop, I remembered the first time I saw it and I was angry, because I didn’t even look for it, a friend invited me to his house and said to me, “let’s go to look porn” I said “ok” but I didn’t know what it meant, and as I looked to the pictures I didn’t even understand what I was looking at. I was 10 years. And now all that stayed in my mind.
I wasn’t going much to church, I wasn’t reading or praying, I started to have suicidal thoughts, I tried many times to just stay lay down, I wanted to close my eyes and never woke up again, but I never could because I always wanted to keep skateboarding, it kept me alive, I trusted in it, but only God can save… I had many injuries in my ankles while skateboarding and those times when I couldn’t skate, it only got worse, I tried one time to choke myself with a chain, I just wanted to stop the pain and the sorrow, after that I told my mom what I had tried to do and I told her that I needed help, that they might need to put me on an mental hospital because I couldn’t trust myself on trying that again.
My family took me to psychologists and psychiatrists and they started medicating me, those drugs were so strong, I felt like a zombie for many months, I couldn’t do anything, I was staring into nothing all the time, I told the doctors that I wouldn’t take them anymore, I couldn’t skateboarding like that, and they told me that I couldn’t, because the drugs were strong and it would make me feel the abstinence if I stop taking them. I did it anyways and I felt the abstinence for a whole week straight, it felt pretty bad. But after that I felt better, I never liked alcohol but for some time I went to parties, I was looking for the love of a woman, but they never liked me, and all the parties and alcohol only made me sadder, and also I hated the headache that came from drinking, it didn’t let me skateboarding. When I was 24 I started to do calisthenics training and I really liked it, I never drank alcohol again to this day.
When I was 25 I got in my first relationship, my first girlfriend. I was really happy; we were together for almost 2 years. But I knew what I was doing wasn’t right, she didn’t know God, our lives didn’t follow the same way, I tried to talk to her about God many times but she didn’t want to. I was told many times about this, I read about it, and I was warned, but I thought it would be ok for me.
I numbed my consciousness, because I knew I was sinning, but I wanted to enjoy it.
But God is good, He never stopped loving me even though I had turned my back on Him, He never gave up on me. He showed me is great love, He brought me back to Him. Now I can understand that I needed something to woke me up, something that hurts, so God allowed what was necessary… My girlfriend cheated on me… I never felt such pain in my life before, such deep anguish inside me… But I’m thankful to God for that pain… “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves…” I walked away from that relationship, it was hard for me, even though I knew she wasn’t the right for me, but God gave me the strength to do it and also forgive her. But I promised myself that I wouldn’t fall in love again, I would not trust in a woman again, I prayed to God asking to let me be alone and I tried to stay away from women.
I went to church again; I started to seek comfort and peace in God and His Word again. I watched the first video of Ravi, it was about suffering and it opened my mind, I listened to more and more of Ravi’s talks, God answered me my questions about suffering and pain, I played drums again in our church, I was really missing that, it made so happy, I started to study at RZIM Website, I did all the courses that I could and it was a big blessing to my life.
But there was something that wouldn’t go away… In those almost two years of relationship I didn’t look pornography, but now that I was single again, it came back.
I feel like there isn’t much talk about this, I know it’s a very shameful thing to talk about, but it is destroying us, I know the great majority suffers this, and we need help.
I tried countless times to stop it, for so many years, so much frustration… I started to question myself “Is it always going to be like this? Did God really have saved me? ” I had heard and seen many lives changed by the power of God, but why it wouldn’t have happened to me? I had started to think that my life would stay this way…
But one night, seven months ago I had a dream, it was amazing… I woke up, and I wasn’t bummed because it was just a dream, I felt really happy and a wonderful peace.
So I woke up in the middle of the night, got on my knees and I prayed… I prayed to God if He could make that dream true, I would believe and trust again…
Since that night I haven’t watched pornography again! I know God did something in me that night, because it’s not with my strength or ability that I stopped watching pornography, I know it’s by His Grace. He took my sorrow and pain away; He gave me hope and healed my wounds.
If you are struggling with something like pornography or something that you tried many times to change and you couldn’t, this is the advice that I can give you, what I think made the difference for me. A few weeks before that dream I had, I decided to stop using Facebook and Instagram, and I also wasn’t using cell phone for many years. Now I can understand what Jesus said “ If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away! It is better to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into hell .” Because I see the reaction people have when I told them that I don’t have cell phone, or social media. If I told them “stop using cell phone” it looks like as if I had told them to cut their eyes or hands off. I know this world has made us think that we can’t live in these times without cell phones, but I could, and I don’t regret it, I don’t even think on getting a cell phone again, I’m really happy, I still have friends and I feel more peaceful than ever before.
It has not been easy, temptation is everywhere these days, but this time I know it’s different; I’m trusting on God’s Grace every day.
So, since that night I started to pray for that dream, I had never done this before in my life, day and night I pray, every single day.
To be honest, if I told someone what my dream was, they probably laugh and might see it just as a crazy dream, sometimes it does to me, but I know the only way of that dream becoming possible is if God does one of His amazing and wonderful miracles. So I put all my hopes in His hands. And even thou sometimes my mind tries to persuade me of following that dream, I have peace because I know who I’m trusting, and I’m confident that His will is the best for me. No matter what happens.
If you like to, your prayers are very welcome!
Thank you so much for reading all of this, I know it became very extensive, I hope God uses anything on my history, no matter how small it might be to bless your lives.
I’m really thankful for being able to be here and share with you my testimony.
God is good! God is faithful and nothing can separate us from His love! To Him be the glory! Amen