Helping a friend through a miscarriage

My friend is a Christian and a few months ago his wife had a miscarriage. He is hurting and doesn’t understand why it happened. I find telling him the promises of the bible like Romans 8:28 is a bit like putting a band aid on the severed artery. I’m not sure if apart from praying is there any way to help him.

Any advice you have would be much appreciated.

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Dilane, my heart goes out to your friend. I am glad that you are trying to be there for him and his wife. I cannot imagine something like this happening to me and my wife. (I have a young son who would be devastated by such an experience as well.)

We can learn from Job’s friends in Job 2:11–13. They visited him and shared his anguish with him after Satan’s devastating attacks. They did very well until they decided to lecture him. They forgot that “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18, ESV) and “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent” (Proverbs 17:28, ESV). I am not saying that you are a fool. Far from it! Your love for your friend shines through, and your wisdom caused you to ask for counsel. God will bless you for that. Pray and weep with your friend. Let him cry out; do not try to stop it with “wise” words like Job’s friends. Your company will be his balm.

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Dilane @dilane85, as Brendan @blbossard has eloquently answered your question, I also commend you for being here to ask for a counsel. Being there by the side of your friend is crucial. Christ is also by our side when we are hurting, he never leaves us. As a follower of Christ, that is what we should do as well.

One thing that came to my mind is I am reading “The great divorce” by C.S. Lewis in my book club. There is a story where a mother is mourning at God asking why he took away her son from her. She was soooo mad and hurt to the point of saying he does not exist or does not want anything to do with a God that takes away/separates her from her son. There is a scene in the story where an angel explains to her saying, “Your son, before he was yours was God’s son first. Even you (the mother) were God’s before she can even bare a child that she called her own.” We are all God’s - even the unborn child. And as much sorrowful this is, it delights me that that unborn Child is with our almighty God that loves him more than any of us can love that child. To us it is death, but to him it is a transition of place (from earth to heaven).

Be there and listen to your friend, and be the loving action of God. That will speak volumes and let the holy spirit guide you as you listen very closely.

God Bless.

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Hi @dilane85, I’m so sorry to hear of your friend’s wife’s miscarriage. In these moments of pain, it sometimes feels like we have to say or do something that will help, change the situation or bring encouragement. The risk with this is that we say something that does the opposite. I had two miscarriages after my daughter was born. Someone in my church suggested that perhaps I just couldn’t carry boys. It was such a strange thing to say, but I know it was her attempt at bringing comfort to me. (I went on to carry two boys, both full term).

Honestly, I think the best thing we can do for friends in this situation is to acknowledge the pain they’re in, and to say, ‘yes, this is really awful, and I don’t understand why it’s happened.’ Let them share their grief, without trying to bring answers. Allow them the opportunity to express how this miscarriage might feel for them. Sometimes, it can be helpful to turn to the Psalms where heartache is poured out to God.

Psalm 42 is a great one for showing us how to express our grief in a Godly way because at the end, there is still a declaration of faith in God even when we can’t understand him:

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

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Thank you so much for your very wise words and for sharing your story with me, speaking from your experiences.

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Thank you for sharing at @Danageze. I might give that book a read. CS Lewis is an excellent author.

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