Thank you so much for being so vulnerable in this question. May I suggest to you a book that has been a big help to me in this struggle? I would highly recommend Philip Yancey’s book What’s So Amazing About Grace? Most of the book puts together stories in which Yancey conveys what grace is rather than defining it. But there is a point in the book at which he gives a short definition. He states that grace means: “There is nothing you can do that will make God love you any less. There is nothing you can do that will make God love you any more.” The idea is that God’s grace is not based upon what we do, but upon what he has done!
Understanding the work of God’s Spirit in our life can also be a big help. The transformation of the Spirit that Paul speaks of in Romans 12:1-2 is not necessarily an event, but a process. The transformation of the Spirit occurs in our surrendering to God on a daily basis. Yes, there will be times when we sin, but the transformation of the Spirit, in this case, means that we keep responding to God’s initiative.
This leads to another point. Prayer is not our initiative, but always responsive. God has initiated the relationship to us. He calls out to us. When we come to him in prayer, it is always in response to him. This should encourage us.
Kiran, the God who made the heavens, the earth, and you, is one who calls out to you on a daily basis. That is good news.
In this moment, God calls out to you. God calls out to me. We simply need to come to him in our pain, in our brokenness, with our questions. I would encourage you to read the opening verses of Isaiah 55. Those words are a strong reminder that God invites us to come and be filled by him–the only one who can satisfy us.
I hope this helps.