Marital issues

A pastor friend told me his wife has been starving him of sex for months. She always use sex to punish him for disagreement on any issue. She does that because she knows he loves God and won’t go out to have sex. However, he is struggling and getting tired. What should he do, since talks with the wife are not helping?


Hi @Terviks,

Honestly this is more common than not amongst married couples. My wife and I have counseled and mentor many couples (I served in the discipleship and marriage ministry in my Church), and whether they are newly wed or “old-timers”, this always comes up. But they usually wouldn’t share this point up front, they will put up many smokescreens, and when the timing was right, I would ask it bluntly “when is the last time you guys had sex? And how often?” Because this is one of the best indicator tools for me in terms of where they are at, how healthy is their current condition. The reason I know this, is by personal experience as well. My wife and I had gone through phases where we childishly do the same thing to punish each other in our first 5 years of marriage.

So, you raised a very good question here, and more importantly, I’m glad your friend is open enough with you to tell you that. It shows you guys are pretty close.

The bible did say in 1 Cor 7:5 “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” The verses before that was talking about how a married couple’s bodies belong to one another, because they are one.

Sex in marriage builds intimacy and indicates a couple’s proximity towards each other. One can learn so much from each other through the quality of their sex. When I mean quality, I don’t mean the methodology, but the level of intimacy involved in the act.

Your real concern as a friend, more than to share that God is not pleased with couples “punishing” each other this way, because that’s not in keeping with God’s design for a fulfilling marriage. But more importantly though, is not to use this verse to rebuke his wife, instead for them to know it is an indication that they need to have a heart-to-heart honest talk to address the real elephant in the room. There’s an underlying issue, something deeper beyond sex that causes this breakdown in intimacy.

If they can’t find it in them to sit down together and talk honestly, then I suggest they find a third party they can both trust, whether it is their mentor, or leader or (a more senior) pastor (all of them preferably couples themselves), and lastly, if necessary, a marriage counselor to mediate for them.

Tackle this elephant in the room, and intimacy restored means their sex activity should resume to normal again. Thanks for asking this question @Terviks I hope that helps, brother.

Blessings in Christ,


Thank you Roy. You are very correct. Yes, i will prayerfully reach out to him again. God bless you.