Hi, Andi, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your heart and raising this question. I recently read Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors because I too have struggled with the loss that I know in God’s sovereignty he has allowed.
I have found through this journey with the Lord to find truth in my darkness & lack of understanding, He has shown me light. Lesson after lesson that ministered to my heart & which he’ll do for you. Please faithfully read your Bible as He continues to bring you other resources.
Andi, in this mystery about fatalism vs. God’s sovereignty, sin that is in the world, & free-will, God may allow events in history, but we have the free-will to choose whether we go through them with God or not. Will we choose God to be our salvation? That’s what ultimately matters.
No matter the pain (& for some it is immense, as Daring to Hope will relate), is God with us? Is He for us? Yes. (Rom. 8:31-39.)
One more verse, Ps. 116:15, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.” I pray God continues to reveal truth to your heart. Don’t give up! He WILL lead you through. That’s a promise of his salvation. ️