Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I’m so glad so many people care and understand. I think maybe my fear might seem strange to some people. In fact, I think months ago it might have seemed strange to me, as well. In any case, here I am, struggling with this.
Today has been a very good day, though. I think that slowly I might be coming out of this. Most of the time, I go round and round in my head, worrying that thoughts I’ve had might have been the unforgivable sin and compulsively reading about that topic to try to reassure myself that I haven’t committed it. Then the more I try to reassure myself, the more scared and obsessed I feel. It’s OCD and it’s a horrible trap. But it helps a lot when I can really concentrate on the fact that God knows I have those thoughts simply because I’m so afraid of them and because I’m afraid of the unforgivable sin, not because I actually believe the thoughts or want them. OCD latches onto what’s most important to you and expresses itself as your opposite. There are women who battle thoughts of hurting their babies when they would never ever want to do such a thing. It’s only that the thoughts repulse and scare them so much that they keep thinking them. So, I know that God also knows that those OCD thoughts are the opposite of me. And of course that’s not the unforgivable sin, anyway, though at my worst times it’s soooo hard to convince my OCD brain to believe that.
Thank you so much for emphasizing God’s love to me. I want God’s love so much and want to imagine Him folding me to His heart. I want to know that if I have no one else in the world, I still have God. I want to stop fearing something I don’t need to fear. Yes, I also comfort myself with the truth in the Bible that I wouldn’t be capable of thinking about God or caring about salvation without the Spirit drawing me.
Again, thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement.