Self Doubt in the face of failures and disappointments- Does God really see what I am going through?

(Rose Amer) #1

Recently, due to the challenges in my ministry, I started doubting myself, my calling and really thinking if there is any worth in whatever I am doing.May be because I am a woman my church is facing such hardships. I cried out to God in pain Sunday night. I couldn’t sleep. I felt like everything is falling apart all around me. The pain was so deep and unexplainable. Whole night I was groaning. I was literally thinking to close the church and was giving up on ministry. The thought of closing the church was so painful I love Jesus so much and I just cant imagine doing anything else. Five years of faithful ministry, so much sacrifice yet their is no growth in the church. Every time the numbers increased there was a fight in the church and split happened. People showed up 40 mins late for Palm Sunday Service. No one comes to study the Bible or payer meetings. I was so heart broken this Sunday. I thought God if it is not from you then let me go. I dont want to continue this ministry like this. People mock me and you are also not listening to me. Please allow me to go. And frankly before God spoke, I told my husband, I am tired and I want to close the church. He patiently listened to me and told me, if this is what I think God really wants then I should do it. I cried out to God Sunday night and told him this is more than I can bear. Please let me know if this is what you want me to do. May be I am not supposed to be a pastor because I am a woman. I never doubted my calling before but I did last Sunday.I was in so much pain. And then God spoke to me. Yesterday I stumbled upon an article on Christianity Today about challenges in ministry and how we should not give up but press on. Then someone from an old ad that I put on a free website contacted me and asked me the direction of the church to attend. Ant today- I completed my first week of RZIM’s Bible Elective- During bonus Q&A session, someone asked Ravi a question “if God prefers a gender?”

Ravi’s answer to that question is the one that I needed to hear. Friends, it is amazing how God assures me every time I am thinking to give up on my calling to be a pastor. I just want to share this with you. Many of you might be facing discouragement and disappointments in ministry and some of you might be thinking to give up. If you are called to lead, He will not let you go. Just hang in there and fix your eyes on Jesus. Cry out to Him for help. He will answer you. I am so thrilled to see how God is speaking to me since Sunday through different resources/people. I almost gave up but He is not finished with me yet. Sisters in ministry, you will face many many challenges but cry out to Him. He listens. I know I might not have a growth explosion numerically in my church right away but I know every time I fall, He lifts me up. I told myself- hang in there Rose. God is not passing you by.

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(SeanO) #2

@roze4jesus Glad to hear that you found encouragement and praying for the Lord Jesus to both guide you and give you and your husband peace as you move forward :slight_smile:

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(Rose Amer) #3

Thank you for your prayers.

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(Kathleen) #4

Love this, @roze4jesus! Thanks for the encouragement. :slight_smile:

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(Rose Amer) #5

You are welcome. It’s been quite a roller coaster ride for me.

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(Tara Pauls) #6

Hi Rose! First, I want to say how sorry I am that you have to experience such pain over your ministry and your church. Second, thank you so much for sharing this experience and how God has been answering your prayer as you have cried out to Him. I remember you from one of the academy courses we took together. You have such a heart for Jesus - I will be praying for you Rose.

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(Rose Amer) #7

Thank you Paul. It is nice to know that I am remembered…lol.

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(Tim Ramey) #8

@roze4jesus
Oh dear sister, when one rejoices we all do, and if one weeps, we do as well.

Three things jumped into my mind as I read your post.

First, I am so blessed that you love Jesus. Rose 4 Jesus! It’s obvious.

The second thing that I thought of was to have you read Hebrews 12. I have memorized that chapter and I thought that I was reading a paraphrased version of that chapter when I read about your life.

The third thing was you need to be surrounded by pray-ers. Get people who will stand with you in prayer. Put on the armor of God in Ephesians 6. Please go to < How and Why to Memorize Scripture> in RZIM Connect. It will talk about a Bible Memorization group that we have going but each week, we have a parallel thread for prayer. Thus, this week is Colossians 1:21-22 and we have a parallel thread called Colosians 1:21-22 Prayer where, each week, prayer requests are given and updated. If you want prayer every week, you post every week. Then, not only do a number of us pray for you but we have a team of at least 4 of us that pray every Monday at 2 pm CST together. For example, I am currently in the Philippines so, as I desire to pray together, I get up at 3 am as we are 13 hours ahead of CST. So wherever you are, people are not only praying for you, but at that time, with you as well. Rose, it is powerful. If you decide to join us in praying at that time, let us know.

I live 65 miles from Thunder Bay Ont in the US.

Sorry that this got long Rose. That’s the nature of all of my posts it seems. You will be loved and cared for sister.

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