Sex and Marriage

(Vili) #1

Hi all

Recently I had a conversation with a friend about sex and porn, and I told him that I believed sex should only be sustained in marriage because people tend to get attached really easily because of it, and then there is the issue of the individual becoming attached BECAUSE of the sex, rather than the relationship itself.

However, he disagreed with me, stating that sex can be selfless without marriage, and that even if they get attached, they can just move on (this is based on his experience)

Since the chat just got really confusing for both of us after, I decided to stop there.

But this is more of a personal question than it is for me to witness to a friend (as I have found I am not in that season yet), but if sex can be a (seemingly) expression of love to a couple that isn’t married, then what’s another good reason as to why God would only restrict it between a married couple?

With that being said, you guys might say that it’s to prevent pregnancy, but couldn’t that be alleviated with a condom?

(Dean Schmucker) #2

I believe the Bible teaches that sex is more than just a physical act, but a spiritual union. LIke it or not, whenever man and woman come together, they are creating “one flesh”. Thus, Paul is very concerned about being “unequally yoked together” with unbelievers. Does that make sense to you?

(Vili) #3

I understand that, and I totally agree with that, as I strongly disagree with the union between a believer and unbeliever, much less sex that is outside of marriage as God ordained it in Genesis

But I’m just curious as to what other reasons are there besides what Paul says about sex outside of marriage. Like what are the consequences in general, be it a believer or unbeliever? Or is this something that goes into more complex ground?

(Dean Schmucker) #4

Hard to say. But the Bible is clear that we reap what we sow. If to the flesh, corruption. If to the Spirit, life.

(Matt Western) #5

Can I ask you a question in return. Upon what basis can you say any form of sexuality is right or wrong?

If your friend is going for relative morals, are we not just at a place in culture where sex outside of marriage is fine, homosexuality is fine, but why draw the cultural line just there; why not continue into other forms. I don’t want to be crude to describe other forms of sexuality, I’m sure using your imagination you get my point.

Ravi made some good points in this video below, the race and ethnicity of a person is sacred, sexuality is sacred. He asked a good question

why do people treat race and ethnicity as sacred, but desacralise sexuality. Marriage is sacred. Love has one word in English but there are 4 words in the Greek… Agape, Eros, Storge, Philia. Marriage is the only relationship that brings all 4 of those together…

This question starts to tie back to one of the big 4 questions under the ‘Morality’ category that Ravi would ask of a person’s world view, and one that we all need to ask ourselves.

How do you think the universe came into existence?
How do you think human life began?

What is the purpose of human life?

How do you determine good and bad?

What will happen at the end (at death)?

I can think of one passage in 1 Corinthians 6:18, where Paul says that all other sins are outside the body, but sexual sins are sins against your own body. I wonder why he says that?

Also, as a small secondary point, children need a stable relationship to flourish, thrive and reach their potential. God’s design is good, and we can see the effects of children/teens and into adulthood the trauma of an unstable home environment.

You mentioned porn and sex being the topic of conversation, one website resource regarding porn and it’s destructive effects on society is, and might be an interesting resource to share with your friend just to ask their opinion on if they thought porn was harmless and continue the conversation?

Hope that helps a little. :slight_smile:

(Vili) #6

Hi @matthew.western
This should help. We already spoke about our ideas of porn in that same discussion.

In regards to porn, he and I both agreed that porn was a bad thing, and that it definitely can be a means to selfish ends (he compared it basically to that of a peeping Tom)

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(Matt Western) #7

:slight_smile: . I just wanted to say great work even getting to be able to discuss these types of things. It can be really hard to get past our normal everyday conversations about the footy and the weather with our mates and friends.
God bless.

(Lakshmi Mehta) #8

@AlphaOmega, there is growing scientific evidence that casual premarital sex can alter the brain reward circuitry which damages the potential for bonding with future life mates and also leads to increased occurrence of depression.

According to neuropsychologist Dr. Tim Jennings: “When you have premarital sex, your reward circuitry is bonded to them now, and it will be much deeper and hurtful. Oftentimes, in breakups of people who’ve been sexually active, they can’t tolerate the sense of emptiness, so they rush into another relationship. The neuro circuits did not have time to reset, and so they’re impaired in their ability to bond with the next person, and they may become sexually active with them. This is just a repetitive cycle, and there are real impairments in bonding going on.”

Here’s a short article and book on this.

Attached are some notes from the (48.3 KB)

(Sieglinde) #9

Very interesting*:thinking:

(Lakshmi Mehta) #10

@sig, Haven’t personally researched enough in the area but the role of oxytocin is well known in bonding. More work may need to be done in humans to solidify the findings but animal studies point in that direction. Pastor at my church referred to this information in one of his sermons.

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(Anish Mathew Sajeev) #11

This was a very important question to me too. I found some answers which I want to share with you. I have got this from various speakers so I do not remember the sources.

  1. Some people say sex is a way of expressing love and it doesn’t matter if they are bound by a marriage or not.
    If we truly think of it, we love and care most for the people whom we dont have sex with. Parents , siblings , relatives and so on. So for me, it was clear sex is not the way to express your love.
  2. We are all created in His image. His creation is sacred and the process of creation is sacred - i.e sex is sacred. We need a fence/protective circle to maintain its sanctity which is marriage. It is nothing but a covenant with your partner. If everyone can choose to have sex with anyone they like, it breaks the sanctity of creation.

This is what I understood on this topic.

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(Tim Behan) #13


Hi there,

I’ve only had a brief look at what’s been discussed so far, but I have a thought and a question that I have asked of myself and of others. It covers a broader scope than just premarital sex, but I like it as it is an honest question to ask of ourselves not just those who we are chatting with.

I think, like with so many things, we can justify and “put up with” or “move on from” a great deal if it brings us some short term pleasure. But my question would be… is there perhaps an ideal situation that you or he can think of which would be the “best” kind of situation to enjoy sex and a relationship in… and further… to raise children in? This may still lead to a difference of opinion, but I think that it can be a helpful starting point. Because if we start to think in terms of one situation or circumstance being “better” or “worse” than another, then we inherently have to think that there is a “best” or “worst” situation as well.

This is, I think at least in part, where the Christian view can provide some framework. We believe that we were designed by God to live in a certain way… not just for arbitrary reasons, but for our own benefit. So if we were designed to thrive best in a certain way, then the designer is going to be the one to give us the guidelines that will be best for us. So if he says that “the two will become one flesh” and doesn’t mention the possibility of one of them becoming one flesh with someone else shortly after then that might be for a reason that is to our benefit.

I may have gone off track there a little bit… but hopefully that is a way of thinking that could be helpful. Thoughts?

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(Tim Behan) #14

Thanks for those resources @Lakshmismehta. Very interesting and helpful.

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(Lakshmi Mehta) #15

Sure, thanks! Glad it helped

(Rebecca Fohner) #16

Yes, I think you are on track. Bibilical guidelines–YHWH’s guidelines–are always best even when they do not make sense to us at the time, and when we go our own way we usually find out what worse means. Adam and Eve did. I have. Each of us has turned to our own way at some point. Only by repenting and turning to God do we come to The Best.

(Ed Wolff) #17

JUST A THOUGHT There is indeed a fundamental difference, in the nature of marriage tied to the sexual act which is so deeply defined that the act itself is often described but that description is never obtained, it is only grasped at. The act achieved outside of marriage is climatic and thrilling but very hard to understand no matter who has taken the time to ascertain the explanation of sexual intercourse for it lacks substance and body from which to describe fully what it was and or what gave it’s cause. The sexual act when left to this concept outside of marriage is undefined as to cause and therefor in order to describe it the abstract of it’s being must now become a noun and can no longer fulfill the spirit and now there is no GOD in that process. We have removed God from the sexual act. In this the couple will no longer have a journey from which to grow instead we have acclaimed and end after the act and death to this act will come ending the relationship that shares no love. For there is no journey.

(Genesh kuriakose) #18

1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Avoid immorality. Any other sin a man commits does not affect his body, but the man who is guilty of sexual immorality sins against his own body. Don’t you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and who was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourselves but to God; he bought you for a price. So use your bodies for God’s glory.

Another reason why we should restrict sex between a married couple is to preserve our family life crafted by the living God.

Dr. Henry Brandt, in the Collegiate Challenge magazine, said that there is always a “ morning after syndrome”, a pattern when couples come to him. They say, “At first, sex was exciting. Then they started feeling funny about themselves and then started feeling funny about their partner. They argued and fought; finally, they broke up and now are enemies.”

Across the world we can see men and women searching for intimacy, going from one relationship to another, hoping that this one is going to be the perfect or this will be the last. The strength of a relationship is intimacy and not sex.

Intimacy starts with real love and security. To experience real love in a relationship we need to experience the love of our living God which is unconditional and everlasting. The love of the living God is a blessing for obedience.

Deuteronomy 28:1-2 - If you will only obey the Lord your God, by diligently observing all his commandments that I am commanding you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all nations of the earth; all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the Lord your God.

Hope this add value to the discussion.



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