Sex outside of marriage

(Anne Wolfer) #1

I know people (some are my own kids) who believe sex outside of marriage is ok. That the bible does not forbid it. Premarital, adultery, living with partner and even homosexuality.
What verses are there to refute and how can I share gently with these people?

1 Like
(Caleb Eldridge) #2

There are countless verses that adress our sexuality in the Bible. One that comes to mind is Hebrews 13:1-5. Sharing gently and realizing that these thoughts are spiritual warfare. The thoughts are of demonic and satanic origin and we as Christians should be armed with the knowledge to engage in helping people who are facing struggles with sexuality rather than simply saying that these actions and thoughts are sins and leave it at that. Interested to see others thoughts as this is such a prevalent topic in our culture.

(SeanO) #3

@Anneofhearts I think when you are addressing a topic as heated as sexuality, you don’t necessarily start with a Bible verse about sexuality. Rather, you start at a more fundamental level - what makes sin bad in the first place? If we look at sins like stealing, murder, lying or adultery - it is obvious that these acts hurt other people, so at least at that level most people will agree they are not good. But what about sex between two consenting adults who are not married? How does that hurt anyone?

To understand how sexual sin is destructive, we have to explain two fundamental concepts:

  • if we build our identity on any foundation other than Christ it will ultimately crumble. An identity built on sexuality cannot sustain us - in tragedy or in old age or beyond death. It is an idol and idols have and always will be unable to save.
  • God wants to give us Himself - the greatest joy and peace and glory - more than we can ever imagine. He wants to be a stream of living water within us. But sexuality is a cracked cistern - we can pour and pour and pour water into it - but the cup is always empty and we always need more. All idols are like that - we think we want them, but they ultimately leave us empty.

See the below thread for a fuller explanation - it has some links to good videos you can watch as well. Regarding the Bible, we need look no further than Jesus, who not only affirmed the OT command against adultery, but actually made the sexual ethic stricter. Jesus took it beyond a rule - don’t commit adultery - all the way down to the heart - to lust in your heart is a sin. Jesus exposed the root of the problem and revealed that we must be pure in heart to see and know God.

May the Lord grant you wisdom as you engage with your kids and open their eyes and heart to His love, mercy, truth and glory :slight_smile:

Matthew 5:27-32 - “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

I Cor 6:18-20 - Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

2 Timothy 2:22 - Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

1 Like
Adultery from Luke 16:18 - Am I now an Adulterer - What can be done?
Addressing sex outside of marriage
(C Rhodes) #4

@Anneofhearts. Hold your hat because my young people have also added open marriage relationships to the pile. I was told recently that the Bible did not forbid a third party in the marriage bed because there was no clear scripture saying it was forbidden.

I find that many times our conversations must start with refuting social lies about human capability. Many of our children are told our sexuality is unavoidable and uncontrollable. I have heard well-meaning people declare so in Bible studies with the young. Even when we declare “the heart wants what the heart wants,” it somehow hints that our hearts are beyond our authority just like sin is unavoidable.

So we go to the Word of GOD to learn that what is touted as human capability is a miss-shuffle of the deck. The point of avoiding sin is not the relinquishing of freedoms but represents the most salient way to discover wonderous plans GOD has for each life. Jeremiah 29:11.

We review what the reality of creation is to the individual life and what transpires when we override that reality. Ezekiel 18:4 & 20, Proverbs 14:12, 1 Corinthians 6:16 & 18.

I often speak to my preschoolers as well, in preschool lingo, that the spirit of a prophet is subject to the prophet. We are not built with the “can’t help it.” Perhaps we can’t control everything or anyone that approaches us, but we are created with the ability to have a say in our response. 1 Corinthians 14:32, Philippians 1:6, and Psalms 118:17.

Then we talk about the proper and the promise of GOD. Jeremiah 29:6, Psalms 103:2-5, and 1 Corinthians 10:13.

Lastly, we get to joyfully speak of redemption. Psalms 103:14-18.

What is truly unique is how the scriptures interact in the conversation. So, my reference scriptures will alternate and change to present customization for each individual. It is overwhelming when they realize that the scriptures are both collective and individual in impact. We are all truly seen and known of GOD.

(Anne Wolfer) #5

All of my kids (4), who at one time professed to be Christians, have lived with their significant others before marriage (1 still unmarried). One went to a bible college (liberal in my opinion) and states there is no scripture that forbids this so therefore it’s ok. Is there scripture that forbids this?

(SeanO) #6

@Anneofhearts What stage do you think your kids are at in their spiritual journey? Are they serious about following Jesus or would you say that Christianity is more a part of their cultural heritage? I only ask because I am not sure it will be helpful to try to prove to them that a Bible verse says their behavior is wrong if they are not already seeking to live in submission to the Bible.

The entire Biblical narrative regarding marriage assumes that there is no sex prior to marriage. Just one example is in 1 Cor 7 - where Paul clearly assumes that the only proper place for sexual expression is within marriage.

1 Cor 7:9 - But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

(Anne Wolfer) #7

Good point. None of my kids want to walk with Christ. They all seem angry at Christians.
At this point I have stopped any conversation trying to convict (I know this is the holy spirit’s job). I ask lots of questions when given the opportunity.
It’s complicated. One reason I think they’re so angry, besides not wanting to be accountable for their own actions, is when one of my kids came out that she’s gay, many Christians (including myself unfortunately) flipped out. Many bridges to rebuild here :sob:

1 Like
(Sieglinde) #8

Is God anti-gay? (Questions Christians Ask)Paperback – July 16, 2013

I read this book to gain understanding about homosexuality. It may help you. Something else that helped me (different for me because I’m not in your shoes). I was watchintg a movie last night. I wouldn’t suggest it because it ended up a little wierd. But there was a part in it where a nun was experiencing sam sex attraction. She was so troubled by it that she crawled on her knees until they were starting to bleed, begging God to remove the feeling because it was so strong. Punishing herself for the very thought.The acting was so good that it drew me in to a place where my heart was completely broken by her experience. We have to try our best to put ourselves in other peoples skin which is only something Jesus can help us with.
Bless your heart. It’s totally different when it’s your child right? You love them so much. And I know what you mean about Christians freaking out. And you are only human. God bless you. I will remember you in prayer.

1 Like
(Stephen Wuest) #9

This gets into the question of what the phrase “by nature” means in the Bible, in connection to sex and sexual roles. It’s an explosive topic, so go carefully.

I think that most Christians would benefit from studying Paul’s use of kollaw (“join”) in 2 Corinthians. Paul is rather graphic about what happens whenever there is heterosexual sex, and he identifies the “joining” that happens with heterosexual sex with the passage in Genesis that talks about the “joining” that all Christians and Jews associate with “marriage.”

I put “marriage” in finger quotes, because there are a lot of groups that don’t believe what Paul asserts – that any heterosexual sex, under any circumstances, creates this lifelong bond, regardless of the circumstances, and regardless of the understandings of the man and woman involved.

What Paul is actually saying is so far from the modern American concept of “marriage,” and also far from what many denominations accept as creating the "marriage’ bond, that you should really go through this study yourself.

There are a dozen different definitions of “marriage,” and the first step is to carefully study what the Bible presents.

1 Like