My testimony is pretty straight-forward, but there’s an undercurrent of the power of unresolved doubt. I’ve loved the Lord from an early age, and I was blessed with growing up in a Christian household. The Bible made sense to me because I could see how loving others and God gave life a sense of meaning- I saw it daily in my parents’ walk. I know that’s a huge blessing many don’t experience. I was the kind of kid who would read the Bible with a flashlight after I was put to bed- living out the Bible made sense because I could see how loving others and being loved unconditionally by God changed life.
In high school, a teacher seriously questioned my faith. Although I gave defenses as best I could, I secretly came to believe he was right. However, there was one thing that kept me from giving up my faith completely. We had a string of funerals at our church (not uncommon for a small elderly church in rural America) and I was able to observe how people with different worldviews mourned. I felt the Christian faith was the best way to get through that, but I still had doubts. I remember standing in my family’s driveway waiting for my family to come out to go to one of the funerals and was thinking of all the arguments my teacher had made against Christianity. It seemed with so many holes in my beliefs, they couldn’t stand anymore. However, I decided Christianity was a good crutch to get through life’s challenges like funerals, so I’d still try to go through the motions.
God revealed to me the duplicity in my position when it became harder and harder to love others. For a while, I stuck with Christianity because I wanted it to be true, but after a while, if I’m candid, I didn’t really want it to be true anymore. Several friends hit rough seasons, and I stuck with them because the Bible said we should love others. However, that brought on a degree of pain into my own life, and I found myself again at a crossroads. If Christianity wasn’t true, it felt foolish to stick with it anymore since it was hard. If it was true, then frankly, it felt like it God was letting me down. I needed to actually know for sure and not just try to hype myself up to believe blindly anymore.
Thankfully, when I reached this point, I found apologetics. My mind was blown that Christianity was relevant in more ways than the box I had put it into. I dug deeper and found a new enthusiasm in my faith as I could see God for who He really was. When I knew God was real, it felt like everything changed. For me, Ephesians 2:1-10 really stands out on the power of God’s working in our lives. I love the phrase, “But God…” in verse 2:4 because it translates all that we try to do as humans- fleshly desires but also good works- and fits them into the context of being done by and for God. When God is true, we have such a valuable gift.