Testimony Jax

Hi everyone,
I’m quite terrified contemplating what to share here. Thank you to a friend who showed me and suggested I do the same. I’m not looking for sympathy or anything else but rather believe that my walk was for a reason. My only hope is that someone can use something from my experiences to make their struggle a little easier.

Please be gentle, I have severe social and anxiety issues.
I was 4 years old when my dad died, flu in the morning, dead by 7pm. I still don’t understand what happened and there is nobody left to ask. I was the eldest of 3 boys, my brothers were 2 years and the baby 2 months old.

My mom told me once much later in life that I came into her room as she was about to end it all but she realised that she was all we had left.
I can never remember a time when I was not bullied in school, from the ages of 4 until about 10. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 9, I’ll never forget the beating I got that day!

About 10 years old I was crying after school due to being bullied, a “friend of the family”, who did things I can’t talk about, asked me why I didn’t hit back. The thought had never entered my mind!

The next altercation I hit back and realized I had a gift for it. I was so good at it that 10 people had to attack me at the same time and 1 of them was still going to the hospital. The only friends I made were because I excelled at sport.

Suffered depression all through childhood, at 15 I was forced on a youth camp. Best thing that happened to me. Fell in love with Christ but lost sight of Him in favour of the church. At 17 I found myself without the only joy I’d ever known and left the church.

I had been smoking since 13 and suddenly was addicted to cannabis. I never saw my baby brother become a slave to heroine until it was too late. I had to leave school and started martial arts, became a black belt, certified instructor and even a professional muay thai fighter.

I managed to finish the last 3 years of high school in 7 months before going to work at a bank. All the while fighting for money for food while doing drugs every day.

After 3 years at the bank I had a nervous breakdown, my body was broken from fighting and at 24 I thought my life was over. The following year my brother finally died to heroine and I couldn’t help but blame myself.

My middle brother moved away and then my mother died. Cancer took her in 3 months so I didn’t see her suffer. I must admit I had a girlfriend from age 18, we married in January after 16 years. God used her to help me where no one else could.

So between ages 9 and 28 I was in 8 motor vehicle accidents, 7 plus suicide attempts, clinical depression, addicted to drugs and watched my family disappear.

Age 32 I had two heart attacks before my first heart surgery, two years later and two weeks after our wedding I had my second heart surgery. The parked a crash cart next to me in icu and told me I was going to go into cardiac arrest so they needed to be ready. Later that evening alone waiting to die, alone because I sent my wife away, a young lady held my hand and prayed for me.

12 April I saw my specialist and he told me two more years max if I didn’t stop smoking. At least I’d been free from drugs for about 4 years already. I begged God please I can’t stop smoking He has to give me a miracle. 3 and a half months without a cigarette after 21 years of smoking.

My walk with God was not as dark as my life might suggest. He kept my life and wiped every tear with His own hands. As a teenager I was promised “Son of man I will make your head hard as Flintstone” three times. People prophesied over me giving me hope although I didn’t see it come to pass. Most importantly even in my utter hatred for the human race Gods’ Spirit never stopped speaking to me and teaching me.

3 weeks before Easter weekend I was taken, by God, to the school that broke me. In the hall every Sunday a small group of people meet, I just felt like I belonged even though I was sitting at the back ready to run if needed.

My youth pastor from when I was 17 was there with his whole family, he introduced me to everyone and I was welcomed with open arms. Funny I thought the place that taught me to hate was now being used to teach me to love again.
Easter weekend I found myself on a church camp with these people, still very cautious and afraid, I found myself weeping during worship because I could feel the pain of those around me.

Every service I end up crying, the love I feel for these people who I hardly know I cannot explain. In a few short weeks I and no one who knew me before can recognize me today. I feel like I am walking with God every day, He never left me it was all my doing. 2 Samuel 9:8 “what is your servant, that you would be concerned for a dead dog like me?”

In all my pain, physical and otherwise, I get to meet with God all day every day. I hope to start the core module ASAP and finally honour my Creator as He guides me.

Sorry if this was hard to read, had to select 34 years of baggage and try summarize it. The only conclusion I see is that Gods’ love and mercy knows no bounds and His heart is still to give you hope and a future.

Much love and thank you for taking the time to read this.


Wow, @Jax. Thank you so much for entrusting our community with your story. You have certainly seen a lion’s share of trauma, and for that, my heart breaks. But I join you in praising our God who is near to us in our pain and heartache! You wrote such a tremendous statement here:

Amen. I pray we all would know that for ourselves!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I look forward to learning with and from you on this forum. :slight_smile:


Wow, @Jax hearing your story is so heartwrenching, how you can survive all those is unfathomable. But seeing how God weaves throughout your life is so inspiring. I’m glad you got to this point in your life now, I do hope it gets better and brighter in the days ahead.

I believe your story will be used by God to touch so many lives. The righteous sufferer always have a powerful intercessing gift, like Job who prayed for his friends and Jesus did for all humanity.



Hey Roy, I already have tremendous respect for you after 1 week. I do feel like our suffering is only for a short while.
I forgot to mention that all depression and “fruits” thereof have left me.
I consider the only reason I’m alive is the promise God gave me years ago.
My only aim is to live in such a way where one day, far from now, I can hear “Well done my good and faithful servant.”

@KMac, thank you for your love and compassion.
I thought all people were dead inside but the Lord opened my eyes to how many people are actually alive through His love.

When I pray all peace and joy be with you it is because I know what it is to be without. Romans 14:17 :hugs: find the Kingdom :slight_smile:


Hi Jax,

Thank you for the respect, all glory for Him. I also respect your fight in life, and also excited to have a warrior like you in our rank!

Always amazing to see what God has been doing in different parts of the world and in every unique individual’s lives.



Oh @Jax, you have blessed my soul. I knew there had to be a journey that led to your loving, kind heart toward others. I have personally witnessed that in your kind and uplifting words. My heart is still in my stomach for all you endured yet, at the same time, rejoicing over the transforming power of God. “He never left you” is right. So very thankful you are here Jax :pray:t3: I am reminded of a song by Ernie Haas, “old school, 4 part harmony” —Oh what a Savior

I admire your courage in sharing your testimony with us, so glad you did! I will carry this in my heart throughout the day :broken_heart::heart:
God bless you brother in Christ :latin_cross:

@Jax, thank you so, so much for sharing your story. I believe it will minister to people for a long time to come. It’s deeply encouraging to see you step out in faith and tell us how you came to know Jesus, even if it terrified you to do it.

Your story is a beautiful testament to how God always knows how to reach us. Your excitement and desire to walk with Jesus is infectious. I am so prone to taking the gift of God’s mercy to us for granted, and your story reminded me what a miracle that is. Thanks for reminding me of that today.

I admire your humility, which really reflects that you realize how much God has done for you. I’m glad that you are getting to, as you wrote, “honor your Creator as He guides you” and I believe that making your testimony public was a powerful step in that direction.

Thanks, Jax.


Oh, what fellowship or what joy divine. Leaning on the everlasting arms. ( Showalter, Hoffman & Duncan)
So proud to stand by your side with a multitude of “amens and that’s right!” So proud that you are one of my brothers. So amazed even more by the heart of GOD.

Keep sharing your story. I think you will continue to find conditions and individuals that can benefit from the witness of the different times and kinds of intervention GOD has graced your walk with. The future is infinite in the riches it holds!


@sig Thank you, I don’t have words, you’ll never know how you touched my heart. Bless you :hugs: :heart:
@Olivia_Davis Not only did you comfort and welcome me but the encouragement I feel right now is indescribable. Thank you for speaking Life into me!
@cer7 That you would count me amongst your ranks means more than you’ll ever know. Thank you also for the encouragement and speaking Life into me.

To God be the glory, He truly is my Father who holds me close. Peace and joy be with all of you!