I’m quite terrified contemplating what to share here. Thank you to a friend who showed me and suggested I do the same. I’m not looking for sympathy or anything else but rather believe that my walk was for a reason. My only hope is that someone can use something from my experiences to make their struggle a little easier.
Please be gentle, I have severe social and anxiety issues.
I was 4 years old when my dad died, flu in the morning, dead by 7pm. I still don’t understand what happened and there is nobody left to ask. I was the eldest of 3 boys, my brothers were 2 years and the baby 2 months old.
My mom told me once much later in life that I came into her room as she was about to end it all but she realised that she was all we had left.
I can never remember a time when I was not bullied in school, from the ages of 4 until about 10. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 9, I’ll never forget the beating I got that day!
About 10 years old I was crying after school due to being bullied, a “friend of the family”, who did things I can’t talk about, asked me why I didn’t hit back. The thought had never entered my mind!
The next altercation I hit back and realized I had a gift for it. I was so good at it that 10 people had to attack me at the same time and 1 of them was still going to the hospital. The only friends I made were because I excelled at sport.
Suffered depression all through childhood, at 15 I was forced on a youth camp. Best thing that happened to me. Fell in love with Christ but lost sight of Him in favour of the church. At 17 I found myself without the only joy I’d ever known and left the church.
I had been smoking since 13 and suddenly was addicted to cannabis. I never saw my baby brother become a slave to heroine until it was too late. I had to leave school and started martial arts, became a black belt, certified instructor and even a professional muay thai fighter.
I managed to finish the last 3 years of high school in 7 months before going to work at a bank. All the while fighting for money for food while doing drugs every day.
After 3 years at the bank I had a nervous breakdown, my body was broken from fighting and at 24 I thought my life was over. The following year my brother finally died to heroine and I couldn’t help but blame myself.
My middle brother moved away and then my mother died. Cancer took her in 3 months so I didn’t see her suffer. I must admit I had a girlfriend from age 18, we married in January after 16 years. God used her to help me where no one else could.
So between ages 9 and 28 I was in 8 motor vehicle accidents, 7 plus suicide attempts, clinical depression, addicted to drugs and watched my family disappear.
Age 32 I had two heart attacks before my first heart surgery, two years later and two weeks after our wedding I had my second heart surgery. The parked a crash cart next to me in icu and told me I was going to go into cardiac arrest so they needed to be ready. Later that evening alone waiting to die, alone because I sent my wife away, a young lady held my hand and prayed for me.
12 April I saw my specialist and he told me two more years max if I didn’t stop smoking. At least I’d been free from drugs for about 4 years already. I begged God please I can’t stop smoking He has to give me a miracle. 3 and a half months without a cigarette after 21 years of smoking.
My walk with God was not as dark as my life might suggest. He kept my life and wiped every tear with His own hands. As a teenager I was promised “Son of man I will make your head hard as Flintstone” three times. People prophesied over me giving me hope although I didn’t see it come to pass. Most importantly even in my utter hatred for the human race Gods’ Spirit never stopped speaking to me and teaching me.
3 weeks before Easter weekend I was taken, by God, to the school that broke me. In the hall every Sunday a small group of people meet, I just felt like I belonged even though I was sitting at the back ready to run if needed.
My youth pastor from when I was 17 was there with his whole family, he introduced me to everyone and I was welcomed with open arms. Funny I thought the place that taught me to hate was now being used to teach me to love again.
Easter weekend I found myself on a church camp with these people, still very cautious and afraid, I found myself weeping during worship because I could feel the pain of those around me.
Every service I end up crying, the love I feel for these people who I hardly know I cannot explain. In a few short weeks I and no one who knew me before can recognize me today. I feel like I am walking with God every day, He never left me it was all my doing. 2 Samuel 9:8 “what is your servant, that you would be concerned for a dead dog like me?”
In all my pain, physical and otherwise, I get to meet with God all day every day. I hope to start the core module ASAP and finally honour my Creator as He guides me.
Sorry if this was hard to read, had to select 34 years of baggage and try summarize it. The only conclusion I see is that Gods’ love and mercy knows no bounds and His heart is still to give you hope and a future.
Much love and thank you for taking the time to read this.