My testimony is one of head knowledge becoming heart knowledge and being set free from a number of ungodly mindsets. It is also one of God bringing reconciliation and healing within my marriage.
(This was a challenge for me to write, and God even brought more healing to me as I did it!)
I was brought up in a Christian home and had a very happy childhood. I was taught from a Biblical worldview, I understood who God was and salvation through Christ. I gave my life to God when I was young and was baptised aged 9. However from my teen years onwards, I struggled with my identity, as many teenagers do. My relationship with my dad completely broke down and disappeared, and mum acted as an intermediary almost on a daily basis. My self esteem went crushingly low. At this time, my church had a split and closed down and I was never able to settle into the new one we started attending. I started to seek a sense of approval and worth from guys, desperate for male affirmation. It was a downward spiral from there, really. I started keeping secrets from my parents, I’d be out partying into the early hours. When I was 17 I fell ill with glandular fever that left me bedridden for 4 months. Slowly I started to come out of the worst of it but it impacted my life radically from then on. Age 18, I met my husband to be and started dating him (finally ending another relationship I was already in). I married Alex in my first year of university, aged 20. At 22, I was offered a job as a full time secondary History teacher. I was thrilled, but couldn’t imagine getting through one day of teaching, let alone a week, month or term. My fatigue from my illness was so restrictive. The day before I began my new job, I went forward in church for healing. Whilst being prayed for, the pastor’s wife had a word of knowledge that I’d let my glandular fever become my identity. As she spoke those words, I physically felt it come away from me. It was like I shed something from my body. I started my new job the following day, 100% healthy. I’ve never been hampered by fatigue or heaviness since, praise God!
God had broken through one layer of my life, but there was much more healing to take place in my spirit. Through all this, my husband was as needy as I was in many respects and our marriage was on shaky ground from the start. We seriously discussed the issue of divorce at least 3 times in the first 5 years of marriage! For some reason, each time one of us wanted a divorce,the other one of us would somehow be strengthened to fight for the marriage. I now look back and know that was God’s hand on us. Our relationship was non existent. A couple in our church discipled us through this. We started our relationship again, going on dates, abstaining from any physical intimacy. Our relationship had been based on all the wrong things, very unequally balanced and with sex, manipulation and control at the heart of it. This time we were guided to build it on God instead, with a heart of purity and respect for each other and respect for ourselves at the centre.
To this day, I praise God regularly for the next several years of healing that took place in my husband, in myself and in our marriage. God stripped everything back and started us again. It was painful and ugly, and God helped us through it, step by painful step. I also had ten years of acute condemnation and guilt that God had to heal me from. I had daily thoughts of self accusation and self hatred from the awful choices I’d made in the tricky years. This took hours of prayer from some faithful people who stood by me and ministered to me.
My husband is not the man he was when I married him. He is amazing! I love him so much, and Gods changes and healing in him are incredible. Likewise, in me, God has rebuilt me together again, making me whole. Together, Alex and I have three kids, help in leadership roles in church and have a ministry to set up a Christian school so that we can help raise many more kids knowing a deep sense of Christ’s love and freedom. We’ve been married 15 years now. I also have a great relationship with both my parents now who have faithfully prayed for me my whole life.
The biggest scriptures that have impacted my life and have been crucial to being set free at different stages are:
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
God is so faithful and He continues to encourage and build me in my walk with Him.