Testimony - Pam

(Pam Carroll) #1

I would have to say, my entire life, I have believed in God and I have had knowledge of Him but it was not until Feb 2018 that I believed, the Gospel, His word, His sacrifice, His love, His grace and mercy was for ME! My coming to Christ was not an instantaneous conversion but a very long and brutal battle.
Not unlike many, I come from a very dysfunctional family. My parents divorced when I was two. I went to 14 different schools before the 9th grade. I lived with numerous relatives in between shuffling back and forth between my parents. I first attempted suicide at the age of nine, was a self-mutilator and I abused both alcohol and drugs. I was promiscuous and then at the age of 21 I entered into the homosexual lifestyle. Please do not think I do not take responsibility for my life choice or make excuses. I alone am responsible for the road I have traveled. However, the emotionally, physically and sexually abused I endured as a child significantly influenced my decisions and behaviors.
I had this warped perception of self and of my purpose in this world, which blinded me and separated me from the will of God. I am not going into all the details but just let me say, it has been a very long and difficult road.
Not once did God every allow me to rest easy or find true happiness in my sin. Even when I could not find room in my life for God and was full of rage, nothing could stop Him from loving me. No matter how hard I tried to hide or how far I ran, I could not out run or hide from God!
I enjoy ancestry research, and I got good at analyzing DNA; so much, so strangers would ask me to help them find their biological family. What started out as a quest to help someone (Trina) find her biological father ended up being the most profound, life changing experience. God used Trina to help me realize I had been knocking on the wrong door. I could not just lay my mess at the feet of Jesus, walk off and wipe my hands clean of the mess. I needed help and I needed to face my past and to deal with the hurts that had brought me to this point in my life. I had to start pulling down all the garbage that was heaped upon my heart. I had to clean house, open the wounds and clean my infected mind and emotions. The doors flew open when I started knocking on the right door!
The other thing is I did not know or believe in what God thought of me. I started carrying around two pages of scripture everywhere I went which told me what God thinks about me. When I had doubt, which in the beginning was all the time, I would pull it out of my purse and read these scriptures repeatedly until one day it hit me… I was never going to be good enough for God’s grace. You want to hear the cool part. I did not have to be! God did not ask me to come to Him fixed; he wanted me to come to him just as I was. He just did not want me to stay as I was! But I didn’t have to do it alone. He would always be with me and never abandon me! He has given me a new heart!
I have come to realize all those times I thought God had abandoned me he had been right there with me the entire time. He never left me, not once but I could not see it because I believed in the lies. It is only when I stopped fighting him and started listening did I began to understand just how precious I am to him.

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(Sieglinde) #2

Wow! Powerful, beautiful :heart: I am rejoicing and crying at the same time. Praise the Lord Jesus, Glory to God Hallelujah!!! Thank you so much for carrying us through your journey. “ You are Fearfully and Wonderfully made!” “Where can we hide from His Presence?” He was ALWAYS with you! I am so blessed by this. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Much love my beautiful sister in Christ :heart:

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(Lakshmi Mehta) #3

Dear sister Pam (@Pk4short) , so moved by your story. Truth is so liberating! Free from sorrows, free from fear, free from circumstances, free to have a purpose, free from so much more! How great is this mighty hand of God never too short to save!

Love what you state here -

Not once did God every allow me to rest easy or find true happiness in my sin.

I too took several years to understand these aspects in practice even after coming to Christ and it prevented me from experiencing the fullness of His love. I can only imagine the soaked pillows and tears in all that you walked through. May the embrace of God’s love be ever so near to you from here on. May He surround you with people who love Him deeply. So thankful that you chose to share this story in humility, boldnes and love!

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(Heidi Mitchell) #4

Pam! @Pk4short
Your testimony is beautiful and screams redemption! :heart:
No one is too far gone, too hurt, too scarred to find and receive the love of our Savior.
I’m not sure I’ve heard anyone describe a more grim upbringing, yet here you are - full of Hope and knowing you were pulled out of the darkness and into the light.
It’s amazing to me. I could just think on your story for a long time, and be in awe at how the Lord works.
You’ve also given me a greater resolve for reaching a few of my friends that seem so hard to reach- spiritually speaking… They are resolute in not believing, and have lots of reasons for it- however, hearing from you gives me…us all…hope. He is able to do immeasurably more than we can imagine- and that includes reaching the hearts of people who appear too closed off to the truth.

I like what you said here:

I hope you’ll find this community a breath of fresh air, and a place to grow in your new faith.
I’m just so happy for you, Pam!
Be blessed and encouraged.

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(Tara Pauls) #5

Oh Pam! Thank you so much for sharing your testimony​:blush:. Thank you for being so vulnerable. You are so courageous. As a fellow childhood sexual abuse survivor, I understand how past traumas can lead to a warped sense of self. God bless you! I praise God for never letting go of you and for showing you He was right there, suffering alongside you, all along. God bless your friend Trina for allowing Him to draw you to Himself through her. I am so thankful that the love, grace and mercy of the gospel has finally made it’s way from your head to your heart! God has such a beautiful future in store for you. I am thrilled for you!:heart:

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(Keldon Scott (Kel)) #6

Thank you for sharing. I resonate with: “Not once did God every allow me to rest easy or find true happiness in my sin.” The hound of heaven was after you! TTL. Peace to you. You are a beloved child of God.

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(Kelly) #7

@Pk4short and @Keldon_Scott

Thank you for sharing. I love love love this quote: “Not once did God every allow me to rest easy or find true happiness in my sin.”

What a privilege that God did not allow you to find this a comfortable place to stay! I pray this as part of my daily prayer for my daughters! May they never find rest or true happiness in their sin. Powerful. Blessings to you and thanks for sharing. :slight_smile:

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(Tim Ramey) #8

Pam, I always say, and I’ll say it again, that the Lord is a Redeemer. He takes our ugly past and uses it to speak to others who have gone through the same stuff and they listen to us because they know that we understand since we went through the same mess. You have gone through so much, that it’d be nice to have you along to witness to others because you could speak to so many because all you went through! Praise God for you being a beacon of His love and light. Thank you so much for such an amazing testimony.

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