Uninterested Spouse

Hello!

Any suggestions on how I can get my spouse interested in talking about God?

Honestly, I don’t know whether to say he is a believer, an unbeliever or someone who is on the fence. It is important to me to know where he stands with his faith, but I do not want to seem pushy towards him, making it even more difficult for him to open up about it.

My husband is quite the introvert, so this has definitely been a challenge!

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Hi @OJMCKEE, This is a HUGE question. Thank you for asking it. There are many different facets to a relationship. I have advice that I give generally. It would be up to you to pray to see if it applied to your specific situation.

I am reminded of the relationship of Dax Shepard and Kristin Bell. Dax was being interviewed and he talked about the impact that his wife’s lifestyle had on him. Kristin is a Christian who really lives out the love and generosity of Christ. He said he thought they way she lived her life was foolish, until he started to see the impact it had on others and the fruit in bore in her life. He then become genuinely interested in what she had to say.

I often say that people are searching in life for answers that Christians have. If we live those answers out, people will come to us asking where we found those answers. They will begin to ask us questions. Our lives demand an explanation and they will ask us for one. When that happens, that is our opportunity to provide an answer for the hope that is within us.

I am sure you are living your faith out, and I am sure that is having a greater impact that your husband is probably letting on. I am sure you life will move him to ask questions.

Perhaps inviting him to watch some videos on youtube could spark some conversations as well. Maybe try the one minute apologist who has short punchy videos on a variety of topics.

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Hi Olivia,

Thank you so much for your question. Do you know what he is interested in? Does he like sports, science, computers etc.,? One of the things I have found helpful is to become interested in the things that interest my husband (computers) by reading up on it or asking him questions. Even if I don’t understand enough at times to be able to ask an intelligent question, the asking is a way of showing love.

A few years ago there was a book written by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages”. You may/not be familiar with it. Applying the language that best ministers to your husband can also be a way of showing interest and love.

Something else that comes to mind is to talk about the ways in which God personally helped you. I think many times in our conversations, even with strangers, it can be appropriate to tell them how God worked on your behalf. Maybe just one sentence to make them think or to bring God into the conversation and leaving it at that. Then asking the Holy Spirit to use that in their life in the way He sees fit. There is definitely a time for telling and a time for asking.

Joshua_Hansen makes some good points. Just living it out in the daily like you are doing. One thing someone shared with me a few years back that had an impact was the way in which Jesus ministered to people. He didn’t just preach and wait for conversions. He Himself modeled discipleship by living with his disciples, sharing meals with people, going to their parties, talking to people about the issues of the day, listening, and walking beside those who would follow Him.

We know that God is in the midst of this relationship and He wants it to be the very best that it can be. I am praying that He will speak to you through His Word and give you wisdom and understanding as to how to continue to model love in a way that reflects the love that Christ has for him.

Thanks again for your question. May you be blessed.

Grace and peace,
mb

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Great points. I once heard someone say that what most people need in this world is for someone to come along and live life with them. This is what Christ did and seems to be what you are doing @OJMCKEE. Be encouraged!

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My sister had a friend years ago who, once in a while, would leave her Bible in the living room or the kitchen table open to a highlighted passage. Her husband couldn’t resist reading the highlighted verse. Other than that I think she was just a loving wife who also respected her husband. I’m sure that helped a lot. He used to say, “no one can ever convince me there’s no such thing as the new birth. I’ve seen my wife change.” He came to know the Lord many years after she did. Don’t give up. After all you are praying according to the will of God.

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So, If I can draw a few imagined thoughts to try to grasp your question better: Your husband apparently doesn’t share his deepest darkest concerns and struggles and questions with you concerning his conversations with God. He doesn’t share his thoughts with you about how he thinks God seems to be leading him. He doesn’t share about his purpose in life and the spiritual challenges he’s facing, He doesn’t share the insights he’s acquiring, the growth he’s experiencing, or the earnest requests that he’s asking God to answer.

… And you’re concerned that maybe all of those “spiritual energetics” you’d hope to be going on in his private life, may be non-existent altogether in him. And as an introverted person, how do spiritual things grow and develop? And also: at what point might an introverted person become willing share personal spiritual things with a trusted friend or spouse?

I don’t necessarily have the answerers to any of these questions. But they’re interesting thoughts to ponder. I have zero insight into your specific situation, However I would offer what I think might be a relevant insight I have been pondering for over year regarding my own situation: I desire to reach out to my spouse; but can’t… The situation is complex and any kind of pushing would be “pushy” . So like you, I don’t want to be pushy. And I don’t want to mess something up trying to fix it. But I want to actually do what I “should do”. So, that’s the thing: we ask ourselves “what can I do??”

Take this for what it’s worth: But as I respond to the pickle I’m in: I am focusing on my own personal growth: growing into better habits, better emotional energies and attitudes… and essentially taking a long-term strategy: not to find out “what should I do” but taking progressive steps in response to a different question: Not "what should I do? But: “How should I be?”.

Taking this long term actionable approach to focus on growing personally can sometimes completely replace the need to know what to do. I think of it as as a long term, natural, passive-yet-actionable, round-about-way of dealing with the dilemma. It’s a way to do the things I can do; rather than by pushing to try to “fix” things that are not necessarily mine to fix.

For some people this might look like a concerted effort to develop themselves in 4 major areas: Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally and spiritually. (P.I.E.S). For example, someone whose spouse has left them, who is asking themselves “what can I do? or how do I fix this…” could do well to focus themselves along the lines of focusing on their own growth (personally) while the situation shakes out. (here’s a video that discusses that framework) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DkXL26LiXE

Of course your situation isn’t nearly that traumatic as someone trying to “fix” their marriage, But from my perspective, It’s very possible some of the same considerations may apply.

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Hi @OJMCKEE, what a blessing you are for your husband! It may be a struggle for you at times with working these things out, but God has placed you in this marriage for God’s glory. I pray that God will really bless your marriage.

Three scriptures come to mind which I hope you take as an encouragement.

  1. 1 Corinthians 7:15 in talking about marriage with spouses who might believe differently: “God has called you to peace.” This is a really important calling to remember. Ask God for wisdom in your words and conversations with your husband and invite the Holy Spirit to pour out peace in your home always.

  2. 1 Peter 3:1-2: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” This really reiterates what has been said by others in this conversation. Your life will bear witness to God’s unending love, patience and acceptance. I know it can be frustrating at times when you just want to have those conversations. They will happen in time, but you can daily represent Jesus to your husband without speaking a word,

  3. Ephesians 6:18: “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” Whilst you may have to wait for the conversation to happen with your husband, you can have the conversation with God now. Keep praying in the spirit daily over this situation. This is why God called you to this marriage.

I pray you’ll know Gods supernatural strength and enabling as you press in to pray continually and patiently for your husband.

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@artownsend Oh, my. The verse from 1 Peter just gave me chills. His Word really does hold the answers. Thank you so much for sharing!

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@timotto My apologies for the vagueness :smile: Your explanation (or assumption) for his introverted characteristics is absolutely correct. I think you have shared some great advice, as well as all the others! I think it’s a beautiful thing how many of you have pointed me in the direction towards working on myself rather than trying to “fix” my husband, and I can see how this could make a positive affect on him! I am praying God will grant me the patience and His Holy Spirit will shine through me. God bless! :pray:t3:

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This is such an important subject for so many of us, from the spouse of an unbeliever to the spouse of a struggling believer. The stability of our relationship with God is so vital and with guidance through the Spirit our witness for Christ and love for our spouse it will do wonders for their walk in life! To show someone so close to us the unconditional and patient love of our God can be difficult but the Spirit will strengthen you and give you wisdom. And He is obviously speaking to you through the wonderful people who have shared in this post! :slight_smile:

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One last thing (and a super-key-thing) that I would submit for you to ponder on your amazing journey is this:
There is a nasty temptation to do theses personal growth things for the main purpose of provoking an expected, desired, positive response in your spouse. It’s critical to get a grip on this problem and to mitigate the natural deception of deceiving yourself into thinking you can create the desired outcome of turning your spouse around by becoming more awesome. (This is a hellish pit fall that claims many), You must do it for the honor and glory of God. If you fall into the trap of becoming more amazing in order to try to change your husband you may become more amazing for sure: But it won’t be God’s kind of amazing: Doing it merely as a means to your own desired end is a common path to becoming a super-amazing-and-attractive-MONSTER!

So please give this a genuine consideration. Please be sober and wise moving forward: Recognize that your own heart can be very deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9); and take great care to watch out for that one…

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@timotto, I completely agree with what you said here. I spent years thinking I’d have an amazing marriage and husband by being the best wife I could be. While he always said I was such Ana maxing wife our marriage and husband did not seem all the better for it many times. He suffered from certain issues and it wasn’t until I realized I was relying on my own strength and not the guidance of the Spirit and prayer that things started looming up for my husband. So yes, it is important that our desire for our spouse is to love them as Christ loves us and to glorify God in all that we do. Let the Spirit work in their lives and let us as spouses be blameless, loving, understanding, and uncritical. :blush:

Those are very thoughtful words, @timotto. I surely pray The Lord will steer my heart in the right direction, closer to His Glory, for His Glory, every single day.

Hi
What a wonderful question, it is something that most couples battle with and its something that we are believers have to I would say keep working on.

The best way I have see work is being able to illustrate oneness, making your partner inclusive in your action.eg bible studies, praying and breaking of bread.

There are workshops that are specific for couples especially to bring your relationship in Christ together.
These have proven if done correctly positive as it allows biblical directives with instilling couple values.

My wife was a non believer and when we got married I wasnt as active as I am now or in ministry. How I illustrated this was being able to get her to start to understand Christ in her way, just showing her small stuff. Explaining topics, having discussions. Watching teaching from Ministers who have reaffirmed the position of a woman in a marriage.
This got her intrigued which lead to her wanting to know more. Simple example, we have womans meeting and she could go spend time with the sisters at church able to feed of what she believed was a place of love and support. For me it was Mens Fellowship, getting together with the brothers playing some board games and getting to know why Christ is so important to them.

During this time it really got me to love those brothers as we build a relationship and thus we want to be more and more active in church. Same with her.

Like any relationship our walk with Christ requires the first step ‘We walk by faith not by sight’.

I believe through prayer and the comments we have made it’s going to be a awesome journey.

Praying for you.
Trenton Royeppen

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