Hello @Vanessa_Muntz ! Thank you for your honest question. It is one that I have definitely wrestled with myself and unfortunately I don’t think there is a straight 3 points answer.
I am writing from my phone, as I am in a train traveling to speak tonight, so I am afraid I cannot work as much as I would like to give you a proper answer, and if I wait until tomorrow I am not sure I would be able to as this thread will close authomatically. Do forgive me for that; your question is really important and I really would like to address it properly; I will share some first thoughts.
Do know that you are not alone as many christians, today and through the centuries, including authors and even many bible characters shared this feeling. I know I have, as well as many close christian friends.
It is true that the pray and read advice can sometimes be too superficial; I wouldn’t want to just do that, but I do encourage you to keep doing those things.
If God is God, and if he is good (and I am convinced of both) he will be true to his Word, and those who seek, will find.
I am afraid though, I am starting to guess that looks different for everybody.
Sharing this struggle, as you have in this forum, is a good thing. You can also share it with God himself. You can tell him that you feel far from Him and you’d like that not to be the case; many times the psalms do that. Psalm 42 is a good well-known example (definitely not the only one).
I like tough because there is an interesting element to it: the psalmist speaks to himself.
That could seem odd. Many people will say that only crazy people speak to themselves.
Let me tell you something: nothing is further from the truth.
We need to speak the truth to ourselves (see verse 5 and 11).
You mention that getting formal training in Apologetics is hard at the moment, but I would encourage you to start an “investigation” yourself. You only need a Bible, some time and your mind and heart.
You mention that perhaps even articulating your thoughts about God’s existence is difficult. I think that’s a good place to start. Ask yourself questions: “What would I need rest assured?; Why?; has God provided that? If not, why? Has he revealed himself in a different way?
I grew in a christian home, going to church. And yet asking the question was vital for me and apologetics played a big role in that.
Good and solid answers can give our intellect the assurance to relax (not in a bad way but in a confident “I have checked” kind of way) and open itself to the supernatural.
And then keep asking questions; maybe do a Bible study (and by that I mean, open the Bible and seek what it says about something) about how God reveals himself, etc.
I feel like I am just scratching the surface. I want to encourage to keep praying, keep reading, and if I may add one more, keep thinking.
Sometimes our minds need that sort of process to let our hearts and souls go ahead and experience God’s presence.
In any case, I do want to encourage you to keep at it and to not give up.
If God is there (and I believe he is there), it is certainly worth it.
My colleague @Alycia_Wood provided a much more torough answer and I recommend you check it out if you can: