Having read your post, I am deeply sorry for your loss, your family’s loss and your personal suffering.
Sadly, you are experiencing one of the most painful things a person can go through in this life… losing a loved one to suicide.
Truly, I am sorry your spouse didn’t get the help he needed. How very tragic for his sake, as well as, yours, your daughters and your grandchildren. (Definitely, I will be praying for you and your family.)
I would strongly enourage you to seek and find professional help for your own depression. It might take sifting through a few counsellor’s until you find one you can truly connect with. But, having said that, please, make sure who ever you see, that their training includes understanding grief/loss, as well as, serious mental health issues such as clinical depression and despair.
Do you have a medical doctor involved in your care? Please, be proactive for your own well being. The use of medications to stabilize mental health should always be followed carefully by a medical professional. (While they can do great good for some people, they can also worsen matters for others.)
I am thankful you communicated clearly in your post, you have decided taking your own life is not an option to you. I am glad you can see clearly how devastating that would be to your remaining family. Although, I completely understand the feeling of wanting to end it …just to stop the unrelenting pain.
Does the dark place you are in feel like it will never end? If my guess is right…you look behind you, and see bitter pain and suffering. Then, you take stock of the present…only to be still experiencing the same…Worse yet, you look toward the future…and literally see no end to it! This is the practical definition of despair…complete and utter hopelessness and helplessness. It is humanly untenable.
If you feel unable to cope with the reality of your circumstances (and your own feelings about your circumstances) …if they are completely overwhelming you, there is no shame in seeking to be hospitalized…with the intention of stablizing your over all emotional, mental and physical health. (I wish your husband had of understood he had other options to try.) For yourself, try to remember, you have options which maybe yet be available for you to try.
May I ask, what is the level of friendship within your faith community? For people to become this badly depressed, they must feel deeply isolated and cut off from any meaningful connection to others.
God has placed us as human beings within community…We are social beings. There are social, emotional, psychological needs that God intends for us as human beings to minister to with one another.)
I will take a risk here, Vange, and share I have suffered, as well, all my adult life with an anxiety disorder and clinical depression (with suicidal ideation). Truth be told, I barely survived the depths of the depression to which I plunged.
As a Christian, it has been very difficult journey, because sadly most Christians lack understanding and awareness regarding mental illness. In fact, my experiences with Christians during my worst states, were part of what drove me to want to end my life. The intense sense of hopelessness, failure, defeat, and despair about myself led me to such self loathing and self hatred…that killing myself was the only way I thought I could protect others from the pain my existence brought into their lives.
When I came into the faith, at 17, many years ago, I was completely wrecked and broken humanly speaking…I knew I was a hopeless sinner, and complete failure as a human being…
But, part of my initial understanding of the gospel…was God was going to save me. He was going to fix my brokenness. He was going to make me new, and I would be a “normal” person…(who could live, without the terror which at that time plagued me.)
But, God didn’t fix me…not, in the way I thought, nor in the way other believers thought…(At least, not within the reasonable time frame that I was expecting.)
At the time, this made me think and feel… “I can’t even do being a Christian right.” More shame…more guilt…
My sadness is so great, that others can’t stand me…and I couldn’t stand myself! (If I could have crawled out of my own skin, I would have.)
I cried, (actually I sobbed for a least 7 years straight) …
During that time, God kept me…(at times, it was just one minute at a time).
I developed knee problems, because I was on my knees praying, crying out (literally) to God, more times than I was on my feet.
I begged Him to take my life…I told Him how I hated myself…
How I couldn’t find my way out of the darkness. (Nothing made sense…In retrospect, I am sure verging on psychotic, at times. My reasoning became distorted and I teetered on the edge of insanity.)
As a fellow sufferer of mental illness, and as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ…Vange, I encourage you…do not lose hope, in God’s love and goodness.
He does love you. Your sorrow, grief and suffering will not separate your from Him. Only press in to Him. Cry out your whole heart in prayer. Pour out your bitterness of heart and soul…He can take it. He will understand…He can and will bring you through.
While I know…hearing a stranger attempt to comfort and encourage is a long shot…I can say with absolute surety…God did not fail me. He brought me through the depths of mental illness…(When I reflect on that time, I don’t think it is very common for a person to survive and come back from that place.) But, now, I believe that God allowed me to go through the complete mental / emotional collapses I experienced, because He in knew what was down the road. There were others whom he would use me to comfort and support. ( I work with messed up teen girls.)
Nothing is wasted in God economy…our most bitter suffering can be worked together for good. In our present culture, there are many people suffering from mental illness, loss and grief…Their hearts, minds and spirits have been broken…
But, God can save to the uttermost those who come to Him through Jesus Christ. You can be that testimony to them.
God can and will use you in due time…(after He has brought healing balm into your own heart and life.) As a result of you entrusting yourself and your suffering wholeheartedly into His Almighty hands, He will quicken you to bless those who are suffering in similar ways.
I could quote many scriptures to encourage you…but, you have probably heard most of them applied in one way or another. So, bottom line, I encourage you as a fellow sufferer and as a believer…
to trust God…even with…and especially with what is completely beyond your ability to comprehend. Trust Him with your suffering…with your grief, with your brokeness. His love endures forever.
This was what turned the tide for me while I was in despair. It came down to…God is either who he says he is…or He isn’t. He is either truly good or he isn’t. If He is truly good, even this unbelievable “mental health hell” I am experiencing has a purpose for good. (Isn’t that the test of the suffering soul? Will we believe God is good, even when all of our life experience contradicts that claim?) By God’s grace at work in me, I choose tobelieve, objectively, the truth…that God is good…even though, all the evidence in my personal life and experience indicated differently.
God gave me the faith to hope against all hope…not in myself, not in my experience, not in others…but, in Him ALONE. (Even faith was loaned and given as a gift…because God knows…there wasn’t a drop of strength left in me.)
My dear friend, persevere…God will bring deliverance.
I will leave you with one scripture I know experientially to be profoundly true…
“Seek and you shall find
Knock and fhe door will be opened unto you
Ask and it shall be given”
Is your name short for anything?
My youngest daughter’s name is Evangelene.
She has always gone by Vangie or Vange.