@Adam_V You have been given posts full of wisdom. Some will strike closer to home more than others but they all speak the truth.
Adam, I may be wrong but I feel that you have two issues that weigh heavily on you. The first was addressed by most of the posts and that is the Lord loves you, forgives you and will never, ever forsake you. What a heartening promise! It’s sounds too good to be true. But it is true.
The second issue has also been raised in some of the posts but I think it is what is troubling you just as much. That is I think you wonder, if my hearts wants the Lord so badly, why doesn’t He deliver me? Sure, He died for me but He doesn’t want me to be stuck in my sin so why do I not get deliverance from it? I sense this because for so many years, I was stuck and wanted the Lord with all of my heart but felt like a car being pushed out of a snow drift - the wheels spun and I moved a little but I always just slipped back into the ditch. I realized that apart from Jesus I can do nothing so what gives? He knows I’m stuck, why doesn’t He shove me out? Why am I not victorious over this sin?
If, in fact, that is what you are asking, it is a valid question. Adam, the Lord desires to be your victory even more than you want it. It is so wonderful that the Holy Spirit knows you better than you know yourself because you feel you know what needs to be fixed and how it should happen. However, the Holy Spirit is trying to get through to you that, first of all, if there is any condemnation, it is not from me. I (The Holy Spirit) only offer freedom and victory. But you are not letting me deal with the root of the problem, only the symptom.
Now this is where our Hope lies because hope is something that is not just wishful thinking, it is expecting. Why? Because you want it? No - because Jesus love you, died for you and was raised for you so that you could start a new life - so new that it is new EVERY day.
So Adam, do not be discouraged but take heart. The Lord is your Victory. He will do it but though you would say with everything that is in your heart it is what you want as well, it isn’t. (No condemnation here) but the Lord doesn’t want to gloss over you but to help you walk in the freedom planned for you and He is such a Redeemer, that He will take that sinful nature and use it for His glory as you will know how to speak to others with the same battle before them.
Adam, we are all in this together. You are not a dirtball but a saint. Don’t get introspective but rest in the Lord as freedom from sin is probably your focus and not Jesus. Adam, I can’t say that I will pray for you every day but I will pray that the Lord performs a surgery to your heart that you never would have expected. I’m so glad that I can share with you out of experience - not talking down to you but face-to-face as a brother that needs Jesus every second of the day. I’m so grateful the the Lord has not allowed you to be content that you are saved but desire to live the fullness of the life that He created you for.
I’m not proficient at communicating but I hope that something of what I said make sense. If is is not of the Lord, I pray that you’d just drop it. If it is of the Lord, love Him with everything and you will testify to His faithfulness if you let Him - guaranteed!